Tick tock goes the clock
1. At the swimming pool yesterday we played hide and seek. We slid down the water-slide with you between my legs, our hands slapping at the side to push us faster. When we neared the bottom you shouted: I'm going to hold my nose! I was worried that when we hit the water I was going to bowl right over you and hurt you. But that didn't happen.
We swam in the "big"pool. You attempted to dog paddle, struggling to keep your head up, tiring yourself out. I let you put your arms around my neck and ride me like a dolphin across the pool.
Later, we sat in the kiddie pool talking.
"Daddy, when I'm 46, are you still going to be alive."
"I don't know, bud. Probably not. I'll be really old. I'll be 86."
"But will you be alive?"
"I don't know. I hope so. I hope I get old enough to see you be a man. But...you know, I'm sick."
"How are you sick?"
"My heart is sick. I have heart disease. It's possible that I could die tomorrow. Or I might die later. I hope I live long enough to see you finish school. Maybe I'll live long. It's possible. But I don't think I"ll make it to 86."
"Why is your heart sick?"
"Well...I'm too fat for one."
"Why do you eat so much?"
"I don't know, but I promise I'll try not to eat too much."
2. I remember riding in the car with my Dad. He had recently got out of the hospital. I don't know for what. I think that they thought he had a major problem: a heart attack or perhaps cancer. But he didn't. He ended up fine, after they ran some tests. I must have been four or five or maximum six.
I remember as we drove in his car away from the hospital that I wished he would stop smoking. He looked at me. He said "Oh, you do, do you?" And he took his pack of Pall Mall cigarettes, unrolled his window and hurled them into the busy, late morning, urban streets of downtown St. Louis.
71 years old. Cancer free. Still smoking.
3. I never knew something as simple as a fidget spinner could make you so happy. I want to buy you a thousand fidget spinners. Including the one with the American flag on it that they sell at "U Vietnamcu", (the Vietnam convenience stores downstairs from babička's house.)
4. When I saw you watching the boys play with the soccer ball, I told you to go ask them to play. You went up and asked. Then you ran back to the sidelines. You intently watched the two balls practice kicking the ball into the goal. At each goal you blew an imaginary whistle: you have one point! You have a hundred points! You have a million points! Then you would run to the center of the pitch, give the ball a clumsy half-hearted kick and run back to the sidelines.
"Are you playing?" I said. "I'm the --how do you say rozhlouči?" "Referee." "I'm the referee."
Later, in bed I asked if there was any sport you were good at. You told me there wasn't. What about running. Aren't you good at running? "No, I'm not good at running. When everybody is running at school, everybody passes me." "Well, there must be something that you are good at. What you need to do if find something you do well and then do it so you get better and better at it. What is something you do that other people can't do? Besides speak English."
You thought. Finally you said: "I tell stories." "You tell stories! Wow. That's cool. That is way cooler than being good at football, I think. What kind of stories do you tell." "Well, sometimes I tell funny stories, sometimes I tell scary stories, and sometimes I tell cool stories. But I'm worried that I'll be in trouble when I go to the big school and I am not good at football."
As I write this you are up in your room, lying in bed and talking to youself. Playing with little Lego men.
We swam in the "big"pool. You attempted to dog paddle, struggling to keep your head up, tiring yourself out. I let you put your arms around my neck and ride me like a dolphin across the pool.
Later, we sat in the kiddie pool talking.
"Daddy, when I'm 46, are you still going to be alive."
"I don't know, bud. Probably not. I'll be really old. I'll be 86."
"But will you be alive?"
"I don't know. I hope so. I hope I get old enough to see you be a man. But...you know, I'm sick."
"How are you sick?"
"My heart is sick. I have heart disease. It's possible that I could die tomorrow. Or I might die later. I hope I live long enough to see you finish school. Maybe I'll live long. It's possible. But I don't think I"ll make it to 86."
"Why is your heart sick?"
"Well...I'm too fat for one."
"Why do you eat so much?"
"I don't know, but I promise I'll try not to eat too much."
2. I remember riding in the car with my Dad. He had recently got out of the hospital. I don't know for what. I think that they thought he had a major problem: a heart attack or perhaps cancer. But he didn't. He ended up fine, after they ran some tests. I must have been four or five or maximum six.
I remember as we drove in his car away from the hospital that I wished he would stop smoking. He looked at me. He said "Oh, you do, do you?" And he took his pack of Pall Mall cigarettes, unrolled his window and hurled them into the busy, late morning, urban streets of downtown St. Louis.
71 years old. Cancer free. Still smoking.
3. I never knew something as simple as a fidget spinner could make you so happy. I want to buy you a thousand fidget spinners. Including the one with the American flag on it that they sell at "U Vietnamcu", (the Vietnam convenience stores downstairs from babička's house.)
4. When I saw you watching the boys play with the soccer ball, I told you to go ask them to play. You went up and asked. Then you ran back to the sidelines. You intently watched the two balls practice kicking the ball into the goal. At each goal you blew an imaginary whistle: you have one point! You have a hundred points! You have a million points! Then you would run to the center of the pitch, give the ball a clumsy half-hearted kick and run back to the sidelines.
"Are you playing?" I said. "I'm the --how do you say rozhlouči?" "Referee." "I'm the referee."
Later, in bed I asked if there was any sport you were good at. You told me there wasn't. What about running. Aren't you good at running? "No, I'm not good at running. When everybody is running at school, everybody passes me." "Well, there must be something that you are good at. What you need to do if find something you do well and then do it so you get better and better at it. What is something you do that other people can't do? Besides speak English."
You thought. Finally you said: "I tell stories." "You tell stories! Wow. That's cool. That is way cooler than being good at football, I think. What kind of stories do you tell." "Well, sometimes I tell funny stories, sometimes I tell scary stories, and sometimes I tell cool stories. But I'm worried that I'll be in trouble when I go to the big school and I am not good at football."
As I write this you are up in your room, lying in bed and talking to youself. Playing with little Lego men.
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